Wednesday, August 11

Why Vampires Suck?


MsXerOZ BoOK of VaMPiREs~!

WHAT Is A VAMPIRE?
vam·pire (vmpr)
n.
1. A reanimated corpse that is believed to rise from the grave at night to suck the blood of sleeping people.
2. A person, such as an extortionist, who preys upon others.
3. A vampire bat.

HOW DOES A VAMPIRE ARISE?
1. When an animal cat/dog jumps over a dead body, a vampire will form.
2. Body with wound not treated with boiling water will have higher risk of vampire-infection. (Remember to scald yourself if mosquito bites)
3. Hanging dead bodies upside down.

HOW TO IDENTIFY A VAMPIRE?
1. Traditional Method: A virgin boy + a virgin stallion walk across the graveyard, the stallion would bark at the
grave
which contains vampire. A newer method have been improvised because who is virgin nowadays?
2. Modern Method: Several acceptable screenings can be done to identify vampires as below:-
a. He (Male) has pale face,red eyes, red lips and horny looks.
b. She (Female) has pale face, red eyes, red lips and seducing.
c. Stays in a big mansion, living rich and mysterious.
d. Glitters in the sun.
e. Doesn't sleep at all.
f. Plays baseball only when its a brink of a thunderstorm
g. Can't make love peacefully, has tendency to knock their partner unconscious and wreck
the bedroom. Conclusion, enjoys the moment by himself only.

*Additional notes:
Corpses thought to be vampires were generally described as having a healthier appearance than expected, plump and showing little or no signs of decomposition. In some cases, when suspected graves were opened, villagers even described the corpse as having fresh blood from a victim all over its face. (21st century vampires are mostly pale with red lips. This contradicts with the findings of the ancient study. The only possible reason vampires turn pale and red lips because they chose to be "vegetarian" and not eat human. This is extremely hazardous to the vampires' lives despite their noble intention)


HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM A VAMPIRE?
1. Usage of Garlic, branches of wild rose & hawthorn. (Garlic is easily available in supermarket)
2. Run to holy grounds where vampires cannot enter.
3. Vampires cannot run across running water e.g, river. (This does not work anymore because 21st century vampires can jump very high like superman)
4. Modern methods:
a. Stay away from human with pale face, red eyes and red lips.
b. Never ever fall in love or have crush on a person with description in (a).
c. If you had fall in love with the vampire, get a werewolf to fall in love with you so that the werewolf can protect you.
d. If (a),(b),(c) fails, continue loving both vampire and werewolf to protect you from other vampires.
e. If one day the vampire & werewolf is no longer in love with you, just kill yourself better than being eaten.


WHY VAMPIRES SUCK?
Vampires suck blood. So they are practically suckers! Here's more reason why they suck:-
1. They are monstrous creatures.
2. They are immortal beings, but they spend their life sucking.
3. Some vampires claim to be vegetarian but do not eat vegetable.
4. Vampires that do not feed on human, but feed on animal blood should be called animarian, not vegetarian.
This is an insult to the vegetarian community!
5. The are already pale, red coloured lipstick is not suitable for their complexion.
(Vampires should seek professional advice and follow the market fashion-makeup trends of the season)
6. Human body have approx 5L of blood, and vampires never pee. (where did all the water go?)

Erm HEY! What's this?

A movie for me?
It's vampires suck!! If you are allergic to Edward (Robert Pattinson), phobia with Bella (Kristen Stewart), and
hated Twilight?
Then we are in the same gang. HEHEHE..

Sorry vampires, but you suck!

1 comment:

Isley Chang~ said...

this is int interesting. a funny remake movie.