The inability to take control of a certain situation makes us feeling defenseless. That is what exactly I'm facing now. In life, we are all surrounded by question marks, which answers will reveal after we make decisions. What will happen to a person if there's too many questions and decisions can't be made?
Wednesday, March 31
I am looking forward to my one week vacation with my friends. What makes this vacation even special is that this is the first time i'll be having holidays overseas, accompanied by people i enjoy being with. (You know who you are)
After graduation, I've seen my friends complaining and suffering in their workplace. I do, have some predicaments at work, i complained, and let the anger evaporate within a week. I guess I must have been one of the luckiest employee in the world, because my boss isn't here to monitor me (I dare not to imagine if he's here in Malaysia- Me or Him will vomit blood). This leads into me, being in a comfort zone, and i sometimes forgotten how hard it would be at work.
When he was studying, i was worried. What would he do, once he graduate. I nag and nag~ we quarreled. He is unique- i can never find other word to describe him. Harsh outside, but sweet inside. I was relief for 1 month after he found his job. Our relationship changed, and he's moving to somewhere nearer to work. This marks the end of my wonderful home days (I always, as in very often go over his place for free dinner). It doesn't matter. I can learn to cook myself (which triggers Ugly Cooking).
Work, is filled with turbulence. He didn't want to share with me, and i didn't want to ask. I'm a very curious person, it is hard for me to suppress my curiosity. Throughout the years we've been together, i had never seen him being angry at anyone. He may throw a series of vulgarities, but he never had the sense of hatred. I wanted to be there for him, but i don't know how and what should i do. I could sense that he is unhappy, he forces himself to hang on to it. Unhappiness at work could be due to 2 reasons- people or the job. He feels happy when he has done or learned something at work. He would call and explain to me the whole process. So, i guess his unhappiness is due to some people at work.
I could never believed that he will face problems with people. (Usually that's my problem). I know him well, if you gave him a task, he will complete it perfectly for you.
What if his boss doesn't approve his leave? What if I have to go on my vacation without him? I can't imagine how he would feel. Imagine if he had to stay back, and called me when I'm in Phuket, and he could listen to the splashing waves at the background.
What if he can't go, and how would i feel?
Can i go in peace? Can i sleep in peace? Will i be happy knowing that he is sad to be left behind.
Arrrggghhh, it's so hard, but i have to be prepared that he might not be going. What to do, if his superior is ___________ (feel in the blanks with your own words). I have to be strong, I have to face this dilemma myself. Even if he's not going, i cannot show my emo'ness, i promise i won't ruin the whole gang's mood. Even if I will celebrate my birthday without him, i must not be sad. I will be happy so that he will be happy that i'm happy.
*Fingers crossed* Hope all my What Ifs can be resolved soon!