Friday, October 2

Of Life...

I felt stupid writing this...

I ask myself this question: What do i expect of myself?

Today i come to realise that my life is mere an illusion. It has become hard to distinguish, which is real, and which is not. I added few old friends on the Facebook, and i was pretty embarrassed of myself. I used to be one of the brightest, left the earliest for college and the earliest graduated from university. But now i feel that i have sank so low that i couldn't even carry my head up. All of my old friends were successful and happy.

I was blessed with 2 wonderful jobs in the world, but i took for granted. I was playing around, thinking that, hey.. i just wait for my salary everymonth and that's it!

It all goes well, until one day you wake up from sleep and realise that there's no motivation, no dreams, no satisfaction. What's the point of living, if you cant achieve anything?

I had a very stable relationship for 4yrs. Yes we do quarrel, but i'd keep our quarrels under closed doors. The thing is that, sometimes, things shouldnt be stable for too long. We'd be ignorant, and eventually lost our selves. It hits me very hard when people tell me that i'm the most RUGI girlfriend. Why RUGI?
-Because, i always go find him, instead of he finds me
-he seldom calls or sms'es me
-I'd buy him the things he wants
-I'd teach him of this he doesnt know.
-I'd do for him things that he didnt want to do
-I'd be there for him when he needs me.

RUGI or not, is very judgemental. For a guy, whose family based locally, it is very hard to accept that i'm the one looking for him, i'm the one who has the car, and i'm the one working. YES, it sounds so RUGI. But what if,
-I go over so that i can have regular home cook meals
-I buy things for him because i have the purchasing power now
-I teach him because he is weak in that field and i have to accept his weakness
-I do the things that he doesn't to avoid further conflict
-I'd be there for him, because I know he will be there for me.

*Sigh* Some times, i really really really want him to find me. After a hard day of working, i'd like to see the smile on his face and have dinner together. He just wouldn't come. Because drive all the way here, then drive all the way back, not worth the petrol and toll. Or maybe no car...Or maybe no kaki want drive him here. Or maybe too late ady...

Both of us are adults now, and we should have been spent our time together gathering rocks to build a strong path for us to move. I have expectations...When i tried to voice these expectations, it will be brushed as "you like to give me pressure". All i want is a reliable, efficient, loving, responsible and diligent partner. I want somebody who is serious, focused, somebody who has the physical and emotional means to pamper and comfort me.

I always thought that i'm a person who complains alot, and does nothing to help the situation. Never thought that as time pass, i complains less and less...and always when problem occurs, i'd look out a solution myself. A person who complains so much, and never tries their best to complete a task, is a loser. Because, no matter how many times a person complains, the problem still stays! It is not wrong to complain, but face the problem and fight it if necessary.

I feel that when time comes, a person should be able to know what is his limits and what he wants to achieve. It's no longer time for you to enjoy, and play, because time is limited. Now I'm 23yrs old. A few months later, i'll be 24. I've been spending money, chasing leisures and fun. Now that i come to realise it, i have not any achievements. I believe that many of my uni mates have at least RM10,000.00 in their bank accounts from working. Looking at my bank account, i only left RM400.00. I hate the person i have become- in one word...MEANINGLESS... Besides gaining 5kilos, there's nothing much i'd gain.

Ok, gotta continue pack my stuff. For those who read every single word from the beginning till the end, don't worry, this is not a suicide msg. I'd like to live till they announce NN awards winner and see whether i'd stand a chance to Singapore or not.

Till then, C ya!!!

From the bottom of my broken heart,


EkLern said...

I understand ur feeling
which is y i m single n i seem playful to u guys
count to think bout it.
my bank balance worst that u

TianChad田七 said...

From what I know after graduation and often hanging out la, I would say your parents, relatives, bf +++ are very lucky to have a partner like you as you are a very capable person.

You are actually doing a no-limit "investment" and I hope it pay back too.

As for the money saving thingy. I guess I am worst than you as I still have negative saving in my bank account :X Blame myself for not studying well and have PTPTN loan, haha!

When you saw a problem you find the solution instead of nagging. That is a very good behavior. So anyway I hope everything getting better for you too.

Try fix a new target and set a deadline, achieve it and your life will become much meaningful~!

And I hope I can follow u guys to go to NN Awards together XD

B.O.B said...

lO_Ok at the bright side...

(at least u got bf n money f3)

MsXeRoZ Nicole said...

@Eklern, thanks for ya comment.

@Tianchad, thanks for the support. I gonna tell myself that i'd collect RM10000 cold hard cash next year Oct 2010.

@B.O.B...ok i will

EkLern said...

TianChad - u just remind me that I have 1 personal loan n 1 car loan to settle .. and DIGI blacklist me

Nicole is richer than me..

Zack Loo said...

cheer up!!!